So many things have gone wrong in my life recently. I have questioned God, questioned myself, doubted God, and doubted myself.

I keep getting the image of a eagle, hearing messages of an eagle. Interesting fact about the eagle is that it uses a storm instead of running away from it.

This is now the time to stay calm and use the storm to let God lift me higher. He knows best!

He is Jehovah Nissi, my banner. He goes before me, He is lighting the way and even if I will go through the valley of the shadow of death He will never leave nor forsake me.

So in this storm God is my rudder and my anchor. I trust in Him. I keep my eyes focused on Him.
He will lead the way. I will follow.

And when the storm gets so rough I will find refuge under His mighty wings.

I would think “what fasting, ok, whatever”. 

I would fast here and there but I didn’t quite “get it” If you have the opportunity to buy any book please buy his book simply titled “Fasting”God is really speaking through this Pastor directly to me. He speaks about devouring food and gluttony on another level. A big wake up call to me, as I sit here, 25kg overweight.

We make food our comfort. We make food our god. We forsake so many things all because of food.Can we really be like Esau that sold his birth right for food? Not only does food rule our mind, it rules our actions.

Instead of eating because you feeling depressed, why not take it to God? To eat because you bored, why not spend time with the Lord? Food cannot be a replacement as it only temporarily satisfies us. God can fill us up in ways unimaginable.

 What was such a revelation to me was this verse and what it meant: Matthew 6.33 – Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.Pastor Jentezen explained that by putting God first, so by fasting before you start the year, that new job etc your blessings will unfold as the day, month, year develops.

Starting with God at the helm, allowing Him to be Jehovah Nissi, the banner that goes before us, allows us to walk in faith securely.

I don’t want to become despondent and don’t want to give up because before the dawn of the day it’s the darkest time of the night. I feel like I give up at the most critical times. Just before God can allow my blessings to unfold I give up on myself, situations and sadly Him.

I find myself now at that point in my life where it’s now or never. I know what I have to do and now it’s time to do it. God is there carrying me through and He will get me through this too.

Then I was reminded by God about Abraham and how he waited on the Lord’s promise. How God promised him a child and that even while he was old and Sarah was old God came through as He always does. We find ourselves disheartened, angry, bitter and sad because God has not lived up to promises yet how can we try to understand how God works. Many times He takes His time and at the perfect moment He blesses us with exactly what we need. Sometimes God also allows strive and struggles so that we can stay in faith build on faith, walk in faith so that when we are ready He manifests His blessings in our life.

How many times have I not found myself worried, hardly sleeping about a situation, then it all works out in the end? All those worry for nothing. Not once has God allowed me sleeping in the cold, going to bed hungry but here I am again worrying. Why is it so difficult to place my faith in the creator of me? Why can’t I patiently wait like Abraham did? I find myself constantly distracted by my problems that my focus is no longer on God. Is that not what satan would want? Give her more worries, more issues so that she doesn’t call upon God or rely on Him that I find myself so far from God that I feel lost and alone. Deceptive is he not? Yet God works through that deception. He always whispers in my ear, I am here, I am near. It is up to me to decide who to listen to. God or satan, I choose God. Instead of looking at the bad I need to refocus.

I was so sure that the choice I made a few months ago was a good one, but I also ‘shot’ myself in the foot by thinking I had the upper hand. Now I am doubting that this was the right decision.

I want to believe that God will see me through all of this, but I also fear that because I made the wrong move things could get much worse. I don’t want to be one of those people sayings its going to be ok, but have to go through some rough rough times.

I don’t think I am strong enough to weather this storm. This journey seems to difficult, yet for others it seems its so much easier.

I once heard an Evangelist say that if you were truly saved you wouldn’t fall back. Reading about stories of others faith and how easy it is for them I am so lost. What am I doing wrong that its so hard for me.

Why does it feel like what I am asking is too much. I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. There is a song that says the battle is not yours, Its the Lord’s. Oh how I need God now. Need him to fight my battles. I am exhausted emotionally and physically and I need him to help me forward.

How his friend nudges, but does not push his friend in the right direction. Almost year ago I wanted God to bless me with a friend that would be a mentor to me. Teaching me about Christ, leading me, guiding me. But after reading Walking with Arthur I think God is speaking to me.

God is clearly saying “Be that friend”. Until today I wanted to walk away from a friendship as I felt that my friendship is not “beneficial” to my journey, but God has bigger plans with me.

In the book they had a “Tres Dias” – a retreat where men met and had an experience with God. I am thinking that maybe I need to do something similar. I have to pray though that God will guide me on this.

Today I also had someone, my husband, who is not a church goer to remind me that church not just about money. As I read about the woman in Luke 21: 1-4, God just confirmed it to me. God needs nothing I can give. He has it all. God wants my heart.

Another thing my husband pin pointed to was service. This was once again confirmed by reading Walking with Arthur. We are to serve God. We can serve God by serving others.

I need to re-look some of my misconceptions and I need to continue in depth study of God’s word. Every time I am in doubt or when there is a lesson to teach, God takes me to the correct and relevant scripture.

I am thankful and grateful for God’s lessons. Its not easy, but its worth it.

When things didn’t work out as easily as it did in my mind I was angry, fearful and suicidal. I wrote letters to my loved once, walked to my car and climbed in. Ready to ride my car off a bridge.

As I climbed into that car I knew I wouldn’t be able to get into it. I sat their angry at myself, God and the World.

When I left that job that offered ‘security’ I wrote all my colleagues notes and at the end I wrote the verse “’ I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord, ‘plans to prospour you and not to harm you’”. As I write this these words resonate in my being like never before.

God made a way in that dark time because it just because of Him that I am sitting here typing. Things are looking brighter. In my darkness I am seeing some light and I am now walking in faith.

Trusting God completely. Not being able to see all the steps before me, but walking trusting him in every step. Knowing He is there. Protecting, loving, healing.

I don’t know how it will all turn out, but I trust in Him and that is all that matters. My little candle is burning, growing slowly. Hoping to turn it into such a fire that people miles and miles away will eb able to see the Christ in me.

How easy it is for us to look down on another person yet should the tables be reversed how would it feel. I hate to be judged yet its so easy for me to judge.

My visit has really opened my eyes. How two people, from two different worlds can view things so similar.

I hope and pray that God can change me, deep deep, inside. That I can be less judgmental and more open. That I can view people with the love of God and instead of judging, helping. Instead of looking down, to look up.

It feels like I am walking in the dark, but not reaching any destination.

I have to relook the way I live, relook friendships, relook the church. My biggest worry is the church. I feel like as much as I know I need to go to church, I don’t feel like I want to go. I constantly hear about giving money at church and it worries me.

I am now in a situation, money wise, where all I can do is trust God for it. Its very difficult to go to church and constantly hear about money, money, money. I now listen to sermons on a Christian channel because I want to know more.

The thirst for God and the thirst for His word is still here, in my heart, yet as time passes I feel the thirst is diminishing. I can’t give the devil that power.

I want to leave the church and find a new one where I can learn, grow and feel like God is speaking to me. I started a Discovery class at church, but 2 weeks ago I felt like I want to stop. I had questions on praying in tongues and I feel like the Teacher was trying to force that upon me. I trust and believe that if I will speak in tongues, the Holy Spirit will bless me in that regard.

Relooking of friendships is another area where I feel like I am at a crossroad. I am looking for friendships straight from God. I want friends that challenge me, that can help me reach higher. Maybe the problem is with me. Maybe I expect to much from friends.

Then there is my husband. I love him with every fibre in my body. The more we spend time together, the more we are alone. The more I love him. I wish I could be an example to him, an example of how Christ would like us to live. I am so far from this. I really hope that I can start changing, bettering myself. I hope then that he will accept Jesus as his Lord and personal saviour.

I have faith things will get better. I just have to try harder

I feel like I need to change churches, but another part of me feel like I am not trying hard enough. I don’t feel that I want to go to church, like it wow’s me. Not sure if that’s how it should be. But I remember when I visited the previous church how I enjoyed it.

I am so lazy to stand up and spend some God time – just quiet time with the Lord. I don’t know why I can’t prioritise this. I can work, read and do everything else except set time apart to just be in the Lord’s presence.

So where too from here?  Time to prioritse the Lord. I expect so much from Him, yet I can’t give oh myself. I need to make Him my priority.

I found this today on a Facebook post. Think God is speaking to me.

Prayer for Today: Father in heaven, thank You for Your goodness in my life. I choose to focus on You today no matter what my circumstances may look like. Give me Your peace as I keep my mind stayed on You. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.